As the remaining days of my sabbatical/renewal dwindle, I now face the rather daunting "re-entry process." To be honest, this part of the sabbatical/renewal time is something neither I nor the congregation gave much thought to. We were so concerned about the details of what would happen during our time apart that we gave little formal consideration to just how it would feel to get back together again as pastor and congregation.
I naively thought that I would head off and do my own thing for four months and then pick up where I had left off as pastor. I don't know how the congregation is handling the end of this renewal time, but I am experiencing a host of feelings and emotions. Here are some of the major ones:
1. Excitement - I'm excited to find out just how our journeys as pastor and congregation complemented eachother. I am excited to hear about my church's journey and to tell everyone about mine. I am excited to see good friends again, to preach, and to lead worship.
2. Regret - I regret that this sabbatical/renewal time is ending. These four months have been magical and more than I could ever have anticipated or hoped for. I know that this has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience and will not be repeated ever in quite the same way. I understand a bit better now in the story of the Transfiguration just why Peter might have wanted to build those little shelters around Jesus, Elijah, and Moses in order to capture the moment forever and never let it go.
3. Grief - I grieve the loss of time, unscheduled time, that this sabbatical has given me. I grieve the loss of unfettered and unhurried time to read, reflect, walk, be with Joe and the kids, visit and share coffee and cookies with my parents.
4. Restored - I don't mean restored in the sense of caught up on sleep and rested but restored in the sense of feeling better balanced inside and therefore less stressed. I feel more firmly centered in Christian ministry and the promise it holds for transforming the world.
5. Apprehensive - I know that my congregation has made connections and in a sense formed a new community while I have been gone. I don't know what the impact of those new relationships will be on my role as returning pastor.
6. Changed - Everything I read about sabbaticals includes something about how you change during them. And I guess it's true because I have changed in some ways.
I worked hard at being in the moment during these past four months. I knew that if I looked back at how much time had passed or forward at how much time was left that before I knew it, the whole thing would be over and I would not know where the time had gone. Most of the time I did a pretty good job at just living one day at a time, and that is a change I would like to keep working on.
I also realized how precious - and essential - the concept of sabbath is for me. This deepening sense of the need for regular renewal time is something I want to continue to work on. I have two weeks of study leave as part of my terms of call but have seldom used them other than a day or two here and there. I would like to be more intentional about my renewal time going forward.
I also renewed my connection to God and to my spiritual self. I would like to keep that connection strong in my ministry. How do I take what I have experienced and learned and incorporate it into "ordinary" time? That is surely the question. In that regard, here's a quote a found by Alice Walker on someone else's sabbtical blog: “Anybody can observe the Sabbath, but making it holy surely takes the rest of the week.”
7. Blessed - These past four months have truly been a blessing for me - in ways that are so crystal clear but also in ways I am sure I have yet to know!
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